


Survivors' Guilt

by daughterofdurinanddestiel



Category: The Hobbit (Jackson Movies), The Hobbit - All Media Types, The Hobbit - J. R. R. Tolkien
Genre: Amused Gandalf, Anger, Angst, Death, F/M, Fluff, Gandalf Meddles, Hurt/Comfort, Loss, M/M, Post-Battle of Five Armies, Survivors, dorwinion wine works magic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-03-01
Updated: 2015-03-01
Packaged: 2018-03-15 20:57:54
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,646
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3461768
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/daughterofdurinanddestiel/pseuds/daughterofdurinanddestiel
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sigrid says goodbye to Fili as he leaves for Erebor, after having given her a very special promise.<br/>After the Battle of the Five Armies, she's left devastated, as are Bilbo and Tauriel. With the ever-present meddling of Gandalf, they just might be able to overcome the survivors' guilt. (And Bard and Thranduil just might be beginning their relationship...)</p>
            </blockquote>





	Survivors' Guilt

**Author's Note:**

> First ever posted fanfic! NOT beta-read. I'm not a stranger to writing, but I've never written fanfics before. Please leave comments, suggestions, etc. I welcome them! And I'm so happy to be a part pf AO3!
> 
> I don't know if anyone has written anything like this before, but the idea was fresh in my mind the other day.
> 
> (PS, I have no idea how this went from being a short, Fili/Sigrid fic to this weepy mess I have now.)

The sun was rising the day after Fili, Kili, Oin, Bofur and those two Mirkwood elves had driven the orcs away from her home and Sigrid, the oldest of Bard's daughters, had spent much of the night and the wee morning hours cleaning up the aftermath. Surprisingly, she wasn't sleepy at all. She had too much on her mind, unfortunately. Number one was thr fact that jer brother, fifteen-year-old Bain, and her father hadn't returned since leaving the house to get the black arrow she wasn't supposed to know existed.  
Second was her younger sister's, Tilda, mental health. Would she be permanently scarred from all of this violence and fear?  
Third, was the dragon really alive and would the dwarves allow it to attack Lake-Town?  
Fourth, and this one made her feel uncomfortable, was Fili, the dwarf prince. Why did thoughts of Fili keep her awake at night? Well, it was apparent after she watched the female elf heal Kili and he held her hand: Sigrid knew that she'd do that fot Fili any day, if he had need of her help.  
"Shouldn't you be sleeping?" Fili asked her, his voice startling her out of her reverie.  
"Shouldn't you?" she asked, smiling.  
He came and sat down next to her at the newly fixed table. "I just woke. I need to make sure we're ready."  
"Ready for what?" she asked.  
"To go to Erebor. Now that Kili is fully healed, he can safely make the journey."  
Sigrid felt het stomach drop. Stop it, silly, she chided herself. Did you honestly think that he'd stay here forever? "Do you think you'll be able to reclaim yout home from Smaug?"  
Fili shrugged his shoulders. "I don't know. Hopefully Uncle's consort, the hobbit, can assist us like he was originally meant to. I'd like to have a real home like you guys do here." He smiled softly.  
"You deserve to be happy," she said. "I hope all goes as planned. But...when you take your rightful place as the prince, do me one favor? Don't forget about me. Come visit sometimes."  
Her voice was so soft, so sweet. Fili felt his heart break a little. "I'd never forget you, Sigrid." He patted her shoulder, and the touch seemed to burn through her simple white blouse sleeve. "Tell me, how old are you? You've taken on quite a lot lately."  
"I'm seventeen. What about you? You and your brother seem obviously young as well to be going on this journey."  
Fili chuckled. "Dwarves age differently than humans. I've been alive for eighty-seven years, but technically, if I were human, I'd be nineteen. My brother is eighteen." He didn't tell her he'd spent half the night calculating that in order to see if it was proper to want to kiss her or not.  
They sat in silence, watching the sky turn pinkish purple. "Can I ask you something?" Fili asked. Sigrid nodded. "As a prince, I'd have a lot of duties. One of those is to protect the city at our feet...your city. I'm fond of it here. I'm...I'm quite fond of you. I will probably be gone by the time your father gets back, but when I return...I'd like to ask him for permission to court you. May I?"  
He was so scared. He was a prince, but still a short, hairy dwarf and she was such a lovely human. What could she ever want with him? But he held fond regards towards her. She took the place of mother in the family, became a great caretaker and worked hard. She was also witty and very pretty. He had been astonished at her bravery against the orcs, and how she'd helped hold Kili down when he was being healed. She was a remarkable woman, and he desired her as his One.  
"Fili...do you mean that?" she asked breathlessly. If this dwarf was playing a joke on her, she'd hit him over the head with their remaining dishes! "I would love it if you did, but...wouldn't your uncle kill you?"  
Fili laughed. "What a family we will be: my brother loves an elf, my uncle is sickeningly infatuated with a hobbit and I'm in love with a human! We'll be the bane of the dwarf community!" He took her hands in his. "And even of he would disapprove, I don't care."  
Before either of them knew what was happening, Fili leaned his head down and swept the girl into a kiss--the first for both of them. It was awkward, as first kisses are, but neither of them cared. When they pulled apart, Fili kept his arms around her, and she felt his heat radiating through his tunic and furs. She put her head on his shoulder, and he stroked her hair, the same shade of gold as his.  
"What if the dragon hurts you?" Her voice was small, trembling. She was afraid to voice her true fears: that the dragon would eat him or burn him like it had burned his kin so long ago.  
"I won't let it," he said confidently, hugging her closer. "I've got a beautiful woman to come back for...no matter how much her father will hate it." He chuckled into her hair.  
Sigrid lifted her head up and just looked at him, with his intricate braids and fancy furs. She kissed him again, and this kiss was much better: slower, sweeter and holding a million unspoken promises. His beard braids tickled, and she giggled through the kiss. "I've never been so happy," she said.  
"Neither have I," he replied, before claiming her mouth again, his tongue dipping into her mouth, his hands gripping her hair.  
She gasped into the kiss, keeping up with his pace. When she ran out of breath, he kissed her neck, nuzzling at her shoulder.  
They both jumped when they heard Kili groan in his sleep, close to waking.  
Sigrid giggled, straightening Fili's braids. "It's time, isn't it?" Her smile faded and her eyes filled with tears at the thought of parting while he was going into unknown, dangerous territory.  
He nodded. "This isn't goodbye forever, Sigrid. Soon you'll have an entire kingdom to call your home."  
She kissed him quickly. "Promise me you'll come back safely."  
Looking into her eyes, perfectly confident, he said, "I promise."  
She watched him busy himself with getting everyone awake and ready for their journey. She was pleasantly surprised when, instead of saying a swift goodbye, he kissed her in front of everyone. He knew he'd get a lot of ribbing from his brother, but he didn't care. He loved Sigrid and wanted everyone to know.  
"Goodbye, love," he said. "Keep everything together over here till I come back."  
"I will," she said. "I love you."  
"I love you, too."  
Those were the last words he said to her. She had gotten busy with helping her father keep the remains of Lake-Town together and hadn't been allowed near Erebor when Bard and the elf king, Thranduil, were making negotiations with King Thorin (though she heard that the ill dwarf nearly killed his consort right in front of them), so she never saw Fili again until the Battle of the Five Armies was over. It was then she saw dwarf warriors carrying him from the battlefield. She was leagues away, but her eyesight was keen, and her mind was sharp. She knew that Fili would not be coming back for her.  
She collapsed into her father's arms, sobbing uncontrollably. "He--he was s-supposed to c-come back for me!" She wailed. "He promised!"  
Bard held his daughter close, feeling her tremble from her sobs. He wished he could comfort her better, but he was still not over the loss of his own wife (something to which Thranduil, shockingly, related).  
"I know," was all he said, though he had not known and would not have approved of any such thing if he had. "I'm sorry, sweetheart." She clung to him, her tears never-ending. She went through stages of grief in a frighteningly quick manner: denial (maybe he was unconscious), anger (how dare he break his promise), bargaining (if I go help the dwarves maybe he'll revive), depression (I'll never love again), and acceptance (I should've forseen this; he was going into the unknown). But the depression lingered after she accepted what she'd seen. She had been strong for years, ever since her mother died. Now she was weak, filled with sadness and regret. She was too young, why was she going through such loss already?  
What Sigrid didn't know, what no one knew, was that Fili's dying thought was not of Thorin, Kili or Erebor, but of her and the fact that he'd never fulfill his promise to come back for her.  
"I'm sorry, Sigrid," he whispered before his eyes closed forever.

***

Sigrid slept for a day in their makeshift home, too emotionally exhausted to get up. She heard things, how the loss of dwarves, men and elves were uncountable, and how the king, Thorin, had recovered from his insanity to defeat Azog the Defiler. But she didn't care how many orcs died. She only cared that her Fili died.  
The day after the Battle, she woke up to see the elf, Tauriel, sitting at her bedside. "Why are you here?" she asked weakly.  
"Because your father thinks we can help you," another voice said. She turned to see the hobbit, Bilbo Baggins, the burglar, sitting on her other side.  
"How can you help me?" Sigrid asked. Tears pricked her eyelids. "I am grieving. It can't be helped."  
"We can help you because we are grieving as well," Tauriel said, her musical voice trembling. "Did you not hear? Azog died, yes, but only after he succeeded in his initial plan: to kill the Line of Durin. Kili was killed by Bolg." Her voice hitched and she covered her eyes.  
"Thorin...Thorin killed Azog. But to do that he needed--he needed to let Azog sink his blade into him. He sacrificed himself for all of us." Bilbo's honey curls were in disarray and his face was blotchy from crying too much.  
"And Fili? How did he..." She couldn't finish.  
"He went to scout, he had the best eyesight, and Azog got him from behind. I saw it all. So did Thorin," Bilbo said. "There was nothing anyone could do."  
"Was it quick, at least? Tell me, did he at least feel no pain?" Sigrid was practically begging for something good to hold on to. But, judging by the looks of the two at her bedside, they couldn't give her the reassurance she needed.  
"I'm sorry. It was quick but...not quick." Bilbo shook his head in an attempt to clear it. "He knew it was coming, but he was trapped."  
Sigrid turned on her side and wept. Just the thought of Fili, trapped and waiting for death's cold embrace, killed her inside. Had he been afraid? Did he think of her? "I wish I could've been there with him. Maybe...maybe there's something I could've done."  
Bilbo choked back another round of sobs. "That wouldn't have mattered. I was passed out when Thorin was fighting Azog. I could've done something and was incapacitated! When I woke up, there he was. Still alive, watching me sit there and be a stupid little useless halfling!"  
Sigrid took Bilbo's hand. He reminded her of a child then, and she wanted to comfort him. "Did you get to say goodbye? Either of you?"  
Tauriel shook her head. "Not really. He was too far gone. My Kili...and I was so mean to him before he left for battle. I'll always regret it. I hope he knows I didn't mean it, that I was afraid of my own feelings. Elves aren't as expressive as other races. Love was...difficult for me. And now it will be impossible."  
"I was able to say goodbye. We were able to make things right, but I'll always feel responsible for his death," Bilbo said. "I decided what to do with the Arkenstone, causing war. I couldn't convince him to change paths. I...I didn't help him through his dragon sickness. I passed out when I should've been at his side!"  
Across the room, sitting within earshot but not close enough to be intrusive, were Bard, Thranduil and Gandalf the Grey. Gandalf had seen Thranduil and Tauriel standing over Kili's body and had invited them to the funeral. Bard had also gone to pay his respects, but Sigrid had been unable to attend, he said. She was too weak.  
It was when Gandalf saw Bilbo weep over Thorin's coffin, slipping an acorn in between his hands and Ocrist (Thranduil felt guilty after Thorin's death and had given it back to him to be buried with), that Gandalf decided on what the three grief-stricken lovers needed: empathy. So he'd asked Bard's permission to have everyone go to Sigrid and discuss their pain together.  
"Mithrandir," Thranduil said, "do you honestly think that this will help?"  
"I do indeed," the wizard replied. "Give them time. You'll see."  
"If I don't begin to see my daughter improve, wizard or not I'll put an arrow in you," Bard threatened.  
Gandalf got up and brought glasses of Dorwinion wine to Bilbo and Tauriel, and a glass of milk and honey in which he put what would, in modern times, be determined as a "happy pill" (not actual medicine, but something magical he concocted) was given to Sigrid.  
"What do you remember most?" Tauriel asked Bilbo. "You had the most time with the man you loved, after all."  
Bilbo gazed into his half-empty glass. What did he remember most? When he thought of Thorin, what came to his mind first? Seeing him for the first time in Bag-End, all sass and majesty? How he was always trying to keep and emotional distance from Bilbo when in reality he loved him? The hug on the Carrock? When he told Bilbo he wanted him as his royal consort?  
"What I remember most is his voice," Bilbo said. "I fell in love with him when I heard him sing. So that's how I picture him: at my hearth, smoking a pipe and singing in that beautiful voice he had." He looked up. "What about you guys?"  
Tauriel smiled. "Kili's storytelling. He told me a wonderful tale of seeing his first fire moon. I marveled that I could hear his stories all day and night, needing nothing else to sustain me."  
Sigrid looked out the window. "Fili was so kind. He was soft-spoken and protective. His warmth radiated from his eyes and made me feel so safe and loved."  
Bilbo couldn't help but snort. "Warm and safe? You should've seen him in my house: he was anything but warm and sweet!"  
"What did he do?" Sigrid asked.  
So Bilbo proceeded to tell Sigrid and Tauriel about how he met the dwarves and the carnage that occurred in his pantry, kitchen, dining room and bathroom before Thorin showed up. When it had occurred, he had been flabbergasted and upset. Now, looking back, he realized that he had never had so much fun in his life. His voice became more animated as he talked about the song Fili and Bofur had made up about his cutlery. Sigrid let out a small giggle, making her father's heart warm.  
She could see Fili there, swinging plates and playing with the knives with Kili as if they were swords. Her eyes welled up, knowing he'd never smile and laugh again. "It isn't fair, you know. They didn't deserve it."  
Tauriel patted her hand. "No, they didn't. But we have to believe that what happened was for the best. They lived hard lives on the road and they deserve a rest."  
"I'd prefer it if Fili was resting in my arms," Sigrid said stubbornly.  
Gandalf refilled everyone's glasses quickly, as the mood was dipping again.  
Back at the table, Thranduil said to Bard, "Is this my fault?"  
"Is what your fault?" Bard asked.  
"The Line of Durin passing. Is all this this pain because of the fact that I didn't help them sixty years ago? Legolas says yes."  
Bard was surprised that the stuffy, rude king was confiding in him like this. Never had he expected that. "Of course not. It was caused by dragon sickness. It was no one's fault; not Thorin's and not yours, either." Bard patted his hand quickly.  
Gandalf rejoined them and Bard snatched his hand back, embarrassed.  
"How did you meet Kili?" Sigrid was asking Tauriel.  
She laughed. "We captured the dwarves and imprisoned them. I never expected to fall in love with a prisoner!"  
"And you met Thorin through Gandalf?" Sigrid asked Bilbo.  
Bilbo proceeded to tell her about the moment Thorin walked into the unexpected party Gandalf had arranged without his permission, getting true laughter out of both girls when he said Thorin had gotten lost...twice.  
"He called me a grocer," Bilbo said. "Little did he know I was the best burglar in Middle Earth: I stole his heart!"  
"I wonder what Fili's first impression of me was. I never got to ask him." Sigrid picked at her blanket. "There are so many mysteries, so many things I wanted to learn about him."  
"The Line of Durin was mysterious. I think they could've lived forever and we'd still never learn all there was to know," Tauriel said.  
Bilbo stretched his tired limbs. The warmth from the wine was spreading through his body. "Do you wonder what's next?"  
"What do you mean?" Sigrid asked.  
"For us. I can't imagine going back to Bag-End now. Not after all of this. I'm not the same hobbit I once was. Every nook in the house will remind me of him. He told me...he said I should go home. But home isn't in my books or garden: home was with him."  
Sigrid felt so sorry for the hobbit, who was barely as big as Tilda, that she actually got out of bed to give him a hug. "I didn't know any of the dwarves like I knew Fili, but I think Thorin would've wanted you to move on and be happy. ...I think they all would've wanted that from us."  
Bilbo and Tauriel looked at her. "You're right. Kili was so full of life, he would hate to see anyone sad."  
"Fili said he related to me, because I'm an older sibling as well. He loved Kili so much, it's a comfort to know that they're together," Sigrid said.  
They were silent, each absorbed in their own thoughts. Sigrid was thankful that she hadn't been with Fili on the battlefield. She didn't know what she'd do had she actually had to watch him die.  
"The process of grieving is normal," Tauriel said, her soft voice breaking Sigrid's morbid chain of thought. "Thorin was right when he told you to go home, Bilbo. We need to surround ourselves with support, family and not dishonor the memory of the dead by being depressed. The Sons of Durin were all lively, vibrant. We should now be the same in their honor. Sigrid, when Fili was so kind, how did you feel?"  
Sigrid smiled. "Warm. Happy. When he held me, I felt so loved."  
"You see? Now go and make someone else feel happy." She walked between Bilbo and Sigrid, hands on both of their shoulders. "We survived. I think that our loves would be happy about that and I know Kili especially would hate to see us upset. We are here, and we need to be grateful for that."  
"How?" Sigrid asked. "How do I smile when my Fili is dead and buried in the mountain I have to live in the shadow of?" She was angry, tears gathering in her eyes again.  
"Then you'll always be close to him," Bilbo said. "That's why I gave Thorin the acorn instead of planting it. So he'd have a piece of me with him, forever." No one knew what acorn he was talking about, but no one cared. Sigrid understood the significance.  
Sigrid laid her head back down, still in pain. "I want him," she muttered.  
"I understand," Bilbo said. "I wish they were all here. I wish...I wish none of this had happened."  
"What was it about him? Thorin, I mean. I know you fell in love with his singing, but what kept you?" Sigrid asked. She'd met Thorin, and he was quite angry and intimidating.  
"He had this...pull. This way of looking at me, the way he'd give me little secret smiles. His soft touch," Bilbo said.  
"The whole family has--had--this special spark, didn't they?" Tauriel said, wincing at her mistake.  
"And that hasn't died: it is with us, always," Sigrid said, smiling while hot tears rolled down her cheeks. "Something as bright as their souls can't be extinguished."  
As they all hugged and comforted each other, their hearts getting lighter at every new observation of how their loved ones lived on in them, Thranduil and Bard just looked at the sadly smiling Gandalf.  
"How do you always know what to do, Mithrandir?" the elf king asked.  
Gandalf gazed at the three grieving lovers and said, "I don't, but sometimes all you need is a warm heart and a little empathy to quell the pain of death. It's not good to wallow alone in your sadness. You two should know that."  
He looked out the window, where he saw three ghostly figures watching Sigrid, Tauriel and Bilbo.  
"Thank you, Gandalf," Kili said inside his mind.  
"Now we can pass in peace, knowing they're well," Thorin said.  
"Look after them for us, please," Fili said.  
Gandalf nodded, making the men at the table wonder if he was finally losing his mind. You have my word.


End file.
